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Old 09-21-2012, 01:45 AM   #1
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Default TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Yo, Bro it's beena long time. But i think we outta go at it.

10 Bars of lyrical intensity
15 is the max limit
1 Round Only
Any one can vote
5 votes makes the winner
I'll Go first


what you say???
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:46 AM   #2
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by -Kenshi- View Post
Yo, Bro it's beena long time. But i think we outta go at it.

10 Bars of lyrical intensity
15 is the max limit
1 Round Only
Any one can vote
5 votes makes the winner
I'll Go first


what you say???
Let's go.
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:50 AM   #3
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

I'll have mine done between now and monday
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Old 09-21-2012, 02:16 AM   #4
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by -Kenshi- View Post
I'll have mine done between now and monday
Gotcha.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:02 AM   #5
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

As I take a breath ..*inhales*...*exhales*....and understand what I'm up against|
You can tell this N***** nervous as he walks up to me...he all tense|

Somebody better alert the police theirs another one down|
Cuz N***** I'll strike yo ass you wont know what happened cuz you wont hear a sound|

I'll break ya face with 1 hit you can call me Knockout|
***** I'll eliminate any verse you throw at me timeout|

I wont lie me and this N***** best of friends hell.....we even help each other out|
But N***** don't think I'ma take it easy on you,I'm coming at you like a 100 round clip...I'm going all out|

You don't want to challenge me my lyrics are Lethal|
Just wanna let you know....after i murder you...there wont be a sequel|

But hey...I'ma cool down for a second and gather my thoughts|
I already know what your going to use against me....your going to use all my foughts|

Trying to dable in my mind is dangerous...last one that tried never came back|
The N***** got permanently scared man...I'm still having flashbacks|

Agh, man I'm losing my focus again let me come back to you|
Man we already know how this match will end...no need to continue|

My style is so dark I'll murder kill you and leave you laying with the evidence|
People like dude why are you so evil? I'm like why not? here let me explain...it's because of a influence|

I'm like a ninja from another galaxy I'll hit you in yo sleep and leave you in a Daze |
I hope you ant thinking you some sort of new tupac cuz N***** you just in a stargaze|

Cuz im in your brain something like a alter ego|
Naw wait I'm like that nightmare you cant get rid of I'm the demon with a Halo|

This is just a Appetizer to my main course so let's end this quickly|
Cuz to tell you the truth i really don't want this to get bloody|

Cuz im from another world my S****s like ancient scriptures|
Your style is just slow and confusing your S**** just buffers|
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:06 AM   #6
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Before I get into this verse, I'd like to show that I'm a real man and I pride my words.|
So R.I.P Paki, man was a good dude. Didn't really know em but that's respect he deserves.|

I didn't mean to body him, TFist I swear we was joking I didn't intend to commit a homicide.|
But now I'm raged and upset, so my child Kenshi? I'm about to body slime..|

But I'm down to battle whoever...whenever...however it's whatever, I'm a real man.|
But you've been using my bars to improve yours, so been I holding you up...like a kickstand.|

Caskets? Chicken Pox? Hawks? Gats? Macs? That's not you, but let's talk about "Fate"|
You mentioned a crystal ball to Duce? I seen it, it told me that you took the bait.|
"I'll manly murder your misunderstood messages with no mistakes mate" I'm irate.|
Because in that same battle...you made a mistake trying to spell Lex Luger's name, but wait.|

Now your tryna rival ME? Boy If I dial, your whole show getting deleted like corrupted files.|
I'm the newest out, but still tryna murder all these bitches like the salem witch trails.|

My bars cold, get your sweater. These lines is the cause of this bad weather.|
You couldn't ever hang with me in your life, not even if we got lynched togehter.|

Keep your chin up kid, you knew before hand you was gona lose. Why the attitude?|
I told you not to do this, I'm on a level you couldn't even climb a ladder to.|

So before you get salty, give me back my style and be yourself even that your whack.|
You lost, go to the back of line. Don't leave the court saying "I'm taking my ball back"|
Real ballers understand that you can't always win, but if you lose you improve and come back.|
Not get mad, grab your headband and kneepads messin the game up cuz that s*** is whack.|

You lost from the jump, I didn't want this father son relationship to end this way.|
Stay down Kenshi, don't even bother tryna fight anymore...you'll live to see another day.|
I understand that pride factors in at times, but remember what your pops used to say.|
"You win some, you lose some"? I told you that cuz PX don't need another member dying today.|
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:50 AM   #7
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Men those bars are way too long...
i had the impression of reading a book here.
thats coming from both sides by the way.

now i can't really tell, im kinda stuck there...
if i had to vote i'd vote for not on for long.
why would i ? well simply because it felt right when i read the bars.
Kenshi, i'll give you a bit of advice, im not that great at rap but i know this much.
bars still have to follow each others, after all its not a jam of words there.
it still has to get all in as if it was one single paragraph, dont know if you understand it.
so heres an exemple...
me and you are speaking of the wheather and spontenously i change to apples and orange int he middle of the convo.

somehow that would seem weird in a music now would it ?
look at not on for long, all of his bars are on the same subject.
though the bars are done, he doesn't change the subject he just continu about the same thing.
not saying yours were bad, they were good. but somehow the flow just cuts at the end of each bars as if you were changing subject all the time.

might be me though, but somehow not on for long feels better when reading it.
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:54 AM   #8
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Damn this one is so close i can't call it right now.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:15 AM   #9
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Quote:
Originally Posted by SSJKarma View Post
Men those bars are way too long...
i had the impression of reading a book here.
thats coming from both sides by the way.

now i can't really tell, im kinda stuck there...
if i had to vote i'd vote for not on for long.
why would i ? well simply because it felt right when i read the bars.
Kenshi, i'll give you a bit of advice, im not that great at rap but i know this much.
bars still have to follow each others, after all its not a jam of words there.
it still has to get all in as if it was one single paragraph, dont know if you understand it.
so heres an exemple...
me and you are speaking of the wheather and spontenously i change to apples and orange int he middle of the convo.

somehow that would seem weird in a music now would it ?
look at not on for long, all of his bars are on the same subject.
though the bars are done, he doesn't change the subject he just continu about the same thing.
not saying yours were bad, they were good. but somehow the flow just cuts at the end of each bars as if you were changing subject all the time.

might be me though, but somehow not on for long feels better when reading it.
So does that mean I have your vote?

Quote:
Originally Posted by shad0wslayer View Post
Damn this one is so close i can't call it right now.
Word, you prob gona have to re-read it a few times then hehehe.

Kenshi: 0
NOFL: 0? 1? I don't even know lol.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:43 AM   #10
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Will get at you both today, most likely. I gotta jet.
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:23 PM   #11
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

yes.
vote : not on for long
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:17 PM   #12
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:37 PM   #13
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Okay. Both of you did not bring it. At all. But I'll be as constructive as possible here.

First of all, @ both of y'all, you are writing novels. Bad. Bad. Stop it.

I still struggle with cutting wordcount, but was more wordy earlier on. Same thing here.

When you listen to music, read poetry, or rap, you notice artists drop words for effect, flow, etc. Figure out which words to cut out that still give you a readable set of bars, the more you cut, the more you can pack into bars - sometimes that's good, sometimes it's bad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by -Kenshi- View Post
As I take a breath ..*inhales*...*exhales*....and understand what I'm up against|
You can tell this N***** nervous as he walks up to me...he all tense|
I really liked the opening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by -Kenshi- View Post
Somebody better alert the police theirs another one down|
Cuz N***** I'll strike yo ass you wont know what happened cuz you wont hear a sound|
Could've been decent if second line was shortened. Too long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by -Kenshi- View Post
I wont lie me and this N***** best of friends hell.....we even help each other out|
But N***** don't think I'ma take it easy on you,I'm coming at you like a 100 round clip...I'm going all out|

You don't want to challenge me my lyrics are Lethal|
Just wanna let you know....after i murder you...there wont be a sequel|
This had potential, as a lot of your bars did, but you didn't push the complexity, or make them basic, but effective. It was stuck in the middle, trying to be...something.

Quote:
But hey...I'ma cool down for a second and gather my thoughts|
I already know what your going to use against me....your going to use all my foughts|
One of your weakest. Foughts is neither plural of "fight" or a conjunction of "fighting/angry thoughts" - I know you wanted it to rhyme. But don't force it. When I have a dumbass rhyme (and I DO have them) I cross it out. Keep thinking. Sometimes I get rid of the whole line or the whole section. (I'll take a screenshot of the chickenscratched pocket-sized notepad I jot ideas down in when I'm working...eating...supposed to be sleeping...I kid you not. It's a writer's habit/do this for my short stories and novels too. Notepad is a 4.5 x 3.25 inch)

Overall, not a good showing, man. I'm not sure if the fact that you're buds got in the way, or not. It's hit him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Not On For Long View Post
Before I get into this verse, I'd like to show that I'm a real man and I pride my words.|
So R.I.P Paki, man was a good dude. Didn't really know em but that's respect he deserves.|
Paying respect to the dead. lol. Also ties into a part of your battle-persona, aka, Mr. Integrity. Well played.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Not On For Long View Post
I didn't mean to body him, TFist I swear we was joking I didn't intend to commit a homicide.|
But now I'm raged and upset, so my child Kenshi? I'm about to body slime..|
I got it, but no rhyme there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Not On For Long View Post
But I'm down to battle whoever...whenever...however it's whatever, I'm a real man.|
But you've been using my bars to improve yours, so been I holding you up...like a kickstand.|

Caskets? Chicken Pox? Hawks? Gats? Macs? That's not you, but let's talk about "Fate"|
You mentioned a crystal ball to Duce? I seen it, it told me that you took the bait.|
"I'll manly murder your misunderstood messages with no mistakes mate" I'm irate.|
Because in that same battle...you made a mistake trying to spell Lex Luger's name, but wait.|

Now your tryna rival ME? Boy If I dial, your whole show getting deleted like corrupted files.|
I'm the newest out, but still tryna murder all these bitches like the salem witch trails.|

My bars cold, get your sweater. These lines is the cause of this bad weather.|
You couldn't ever hang with me in your life, not even if we got lynched togehter.|
This section had your best lines.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Not On For Long View Post
So before you get salty, give me back my style and be yourself even that your whack.|
You lost, go to the back of line. Don't leave the court saying "I'm taking my ball back"|
Real ballers understand that you can't always win, but if you lose you improve and come back.|
Not get mad, grab your headband and kneepads messin the game up cuz that s*** is whack.|
The picture you painted a complete picture, but it also seems filler-ish. I got it, but it's almost like you just had a lot of ideas, several visions for how you wanted to diss him, couldn't decide, so kept all of them.

Editorial control: figuring out which ones are the strongest and sticking with those.

I lol'd at the fact that some of our content is along the same lines...what I wrote before reading this for Shad0w...but you know how I battle...dirty. =(

NOFL gets my vote for a more cohesive set of bars, better flow, and dissing Kenshi like he's just an out of line son beefing witih his dad.

If Kenshi had a better set of verses, that wouldn't have been enough. But I think you know he has some ways to go, and went only as hard as you needed to. Nicely done.

NOFL - your biggest weakness may well be your integrity/chillaxness. I haven't seen you battle anyone who really wanted to nuke you, and had the ability to do it, so that will be interesting.

Second, wordiness. Watch it.

Third, edit down to the good stuff. Less filler.

Kenshi - your biggest weakness is a lack of cohesion - meaning your ideas don't fully come together. My ideas start out as a mess too. But if you keep working on it, if you don't go with your first best lines and call it a day, you'll be able to edit your piece to a higher standard.

Second, wordiness. Watch it.

Third, when you do punch or use a personal, they feel generic instead of fresh. Keep working on creative ways to say you wanna kill somebody (That sounds so wrong. haha.) and work on wordplay - it lacks.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:51 PM   #14
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

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Originally Posted by TitaniumFist View Post
NOFL - your biggest weakness may well be your integrity/chillaxness. I haven't seen you battle anyone who really wanted to nuke you, and had the ability to do it, so that will be interesting.
Yeah I only faced Duce, Paki, and now Kenshi so far. I wanted to battle Slayer, and Shiny but Shiny won't battle me since I won't "Get my name up"(Although I think he just don't wana face me since he doesn't have personals to rely on if I out bar him, but that's beyond the point lol.). And Shadow, some Illuminati nonsense always happens when we supposed to battle that prevents Shadow and myself from battle lol.

But yeah, I understand what you mean about shortening my bars. I'll give it another try when I get another battle.

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Old 10-05-2012, 11:55 PM   #15
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

Bump.
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Old 10-06-2012, 12:11 AM   #16
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Default Re: TheEternalDaze Vs Not On For Long

i always said it and will always say it cause its the only thing true to rap/poetry, heck rhyming whatever it is. it resumes in one word...

Vocabulary

if you dont have any, its gonna be hard to understand what rhymes are all about.
listen to what TFist told you, its a good tip. though im not using notepad i a using my brain (and god knows it forgets a lot) but usually words i hear that are uncommon sticks in my head, doing some research usually yield more experience then just hearing the words, so i'll add to what TFist said... dont hesitate to go on the net and check what each words means even if you know what it is. you might end up finding more meaning which in turn helps you set your bars better !
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